Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Spaminator

Coffee cup griped in my hand, I opened my morning e-mail. The nice thing about opening e-mail-- you don’t get paper cuts. Three swallows and a bite of bagel later I all 213 vitally important communications downloaded. I suddenly had 186 new friends, 27 Re: ‘s to mails I never sent, and a note from a cousin I’ve never met.

I love SPAM⎯thin sliced, covered with Velveeta and tomatoes on toasted rye bread.

Sgt. Perry needs urgent help--he sent the same e-mail four times within four minutes. Sgt. Perry is in the military (he didn’t specify whose) protecting a deposed government official who has millions of dollars that he needs to get from Nigeria to the U.S. London Barrister Arthur sent the same request! So did Sister Mary Margarita, but she represents 300 Christian individuals, stranded there. Oh Yeah—starving too. I swelled with pride to know they selected me for this economic opportunity over all those other ‘undisclosed recipients’.

I immediately opened e-mails from Amex, UPS, CitiBank, and Western Union and sent the required information to access my bank accounts for the necessary transfers. I can’t wait to get my check(s)! This is better than playing the lottery.

And since I felt so good I bought some mirikil peenis pils, a lifetime supply of Hoodia, and an herbal, organic life extender. My new Russian wife will arrive next week. She’ll be happy to know I refinanced my home at 1% below the Dubai prime.

Now, I need to respond to that website that will remove my tattoo- the one on my forehead that says PMUHC.

Call me arrogant. Call me Ishmael; but my IQ is exponentially superior to anyone who spams. I don’t know anyone with the return address of sjweodfhxn@weirdnet.WuWu. And please use a spell checker, you moron. It’s not spelled mirikal peenis pils, unless they come equipped with Kondumbs.

Let me be perfectly clear! I am a monogamous, happily married male who does not suffer from ED, does not need to impress a girlfriend, does not have an embarrassing penis, and does not enter lotteries in foreign countries. I don’t want to buy drugs from you! I don’t care if it’s cheaper somewhere else, organically grown, or inflatable. NO!

If The Psychic Hotline can’t pick stock, why do you think I’m stupid enough to buy a stock based on anything you have to say?

I don’t want a fake watch, a whirligig, a free camera, a $100 Bermuda Vacation, a timeshare, a chance to win anything by just logging into your website, a new magazine subscription to Idiots are Me, or a seminar on anything.

I don’t believe that I can refinance my home for 1% with no fees- nobody does. Nor do I believe you are eBay, the Bank of Nova Scotia, the CIA, or the IRS needing to double check my personal information because it’s reported stolen. Give me a break!
If anyone is stupid enough to believe this garbage: caveat emptor.

SPAM costs about $3.00 a can. SPAM also costs my country $millions in lost productivity. With the current economic challenges, mainstream business can’t afford this junk e-mail Tsunami. The cost passes to you and me. SPAM is free to the spammers. You and I pay for it. Anybody can send thousands of emails a second to anyone they have in their address book or purchased from another spammer.

So here is my sacred vow to spammers. I’m coming after you for wasting my time and clogging my bandwidth with your garbage. I am the Spaminator.

I am an advocate for a tax on the Internet; one that charges a penny per e-mail. I’ll gladly pay my tax burden to see you vanquished! I demand legislation requiring a time delay after every e-mail. I will never notice a few seconds or even a minute between my e-mails. The Nigerian Prince sending hundreds of thousands a day will disappear.

I want a return mail program from Microsoft, AOL, or Send me a Viagra ad and I want to send it back to you a thousand times (seventeen minutes with a 1 second delay). I want to clog your bandwidth the way cholesterol clogs the fat man’s arteries.

Legitimate businesses will still use e-mail marketing to be successful. If I receive advertisements from a company willing to pay to solicit my business, I’ll open it.

Yes, there are technical issues, but damn it—we’re the technological leader of the world. We can do this.

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